Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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