Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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