I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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