The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
