Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
