So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
