So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
