Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
