Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I wear drunk well.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
