I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
