I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
