I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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