Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
zippers are such a cool invention
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
