you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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