You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I forget how to act sober
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