i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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