im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
