Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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