Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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