Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
