I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
