Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
