At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize