why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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