I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
