Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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