you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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