margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
