she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
