i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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