I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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