I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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