Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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