His pubic hair was longer than his dick
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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