I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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