what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
