Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
