im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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