every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
