My first STD was from a foam party
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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