just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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