I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
