I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
