a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
