the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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