nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize