I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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