My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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