As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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