On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
