**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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