my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
