genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
