You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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