Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
