the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
